Free me from Putin’s grip!

Dear mentally unstable troll,

Where may I apply to be on the FSB payroll? I sure could use some cash right about now. You know, with the free world’s sanctions biting me in the ass, no food, water or gas for my Lada…things are tough.  😥

A picture of Joseph Stalin: Many do not know that he is Vladimir Putin's step uncle.
A picture of Joseph Stalin: Many do not know that he is Vladimir Putin’s step uncle.

Russia is so isolated that its president has had to take a break from signing multi-billion dollar deals. He says that he cant sign everything and must evaluate all the proposals on his hand crafted gold and mahogany work table at the Kremlin.

All the while, I am hating the free medical system in Russia with all its corruption and delays. I wish we had private insurance and medical companies from the US to come help lay the ground work for decent healthcare. I am ready to swipe my Chinese Union Card.

Also, whats with my house being  worth only $10,000 and the price never going up? I fully own it but thats no fun. I wish I could sell it, put down a deposit and buy a $500,000 mansion on mortgage from one of those fine banks you have. Perhaps Bank of America can operate in Russia one day. When the value of my house goes up, I will use it to take equity and buy another. Like dominos, my empire of houses will spread wide across the land. I will be a real-estate king!

My farm in Russia. Sorry for Black & White photo. In Russia we have no colour camera.
My farm in Russia. Sorry for Black & White photo. In Russia we have no colour camera.

I am sure the big banks and fine western financial expertise will keep my investment in line. I mean after all, I will always be able to pay that $600 a week mortgage and if I cannot then I am sure the banks would help me out. But here in Putin’s evil Russia, they do not want us to be rich. They do not want us to have highly valued houses. Look what they want me to have:

– A freehold house worth only $10,000
– 2 Acres of land
– Sheep and goats
– I have to grow my own food (instead of being able to shop at the super market 😥 )

This is torturous conditions to live under. I wish Monsanto and Silicon Valley cooperate in Russia so that one day I can just 3d print my food at home.

There is so much to tell you troll, our savior. So much. Promise you will forward this plea of help to the President of the free world? So that he can come liberate us from Putin’s iron grip. Promise me that you will make sure that we can once again breathe that free air perfumed with those golden McDonald’s fries every time the door swings open. Oh how I miss it.

Typical school poster in Putin's Russia!
Typical school poster in Putin’s Russia!

Yours Sincerely,

A drunk Russian
(vodka is cheap and keeps me warm)
Gulag Prisoner 1056
Russian Federation


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