Free me from Putin’s grip!

Dear mentally unstable troll,

Where may I apply to be on the FSB payroll? I sure could use some cash right about now. You know, with the free world’s sanctions biting me in the ass, no food, water or gas for my Lada…things are tough.  😥

A picture of Joseph Stalin: Many do not know that he is Vladimir Putin's step uncle.
A picture of Joseph Stalin: Many do not know that he is Vladimir Putin’s step uncle.

Russia is so isolated that its president has had to take a break from signing multi-billion dollar deals. He says that he cant sign everything and must evaluate all the proposals on his hand crafted gold and mahogany work table at the Kremlin.

All the while, I am hating the free medical system in Russia with all its corruption and delays. I wish we had private insurance and medical companies from the US to come help lay the ground work for decent healthcare. I am ready to swipe my Chinese Union Card.

Also, whats with my house being  worth only $10,000 and the price never going up? I fully own it but thats no fun. I wish I could sell it, put down a deposit and buy a $500,000 mansion on mortgage from one of those fine banks you have. Perhaps Bank of America can operate in Russia one day. When the value of my house goes up, I will use it to take equity and buy another. Like dominos, my empire of houses will spread wide across the land. I will be a real-estate king!

My farm in Russia. Sorry for Black & White photo. In Russia we have no colour camera.
My farm in Russia. Sorry for Black & White photo. In Russia we have no colour camera.

I am sure the big banks and fine western financial expertise will keep my investment in line. I mean after all, I will always be able to pay that $600 a week mortgage and if I cannot then I am sure the banks would help me out. But here in Putin’s evil Russia, they do not want us to be rich. They do not want us to have highly valued houses. Look what they want me to have:

– A freehold house worth only $10,000
– 2 Acres of land
– Sheep and goats
– I have to grow my own food (instead of being able to shop at the super market 😥 )

This is torturous conditions to live under. I wish Monsanto and Silicon Valley cooperate in Russia so that one day I can just 3d print my food at home.

There is so much to tell you troll, our savior. So much. Promise you will forward this plea of help to the President of the free world? So that he can come liberate us from Putin’s iron grip. Promise me that you will make sure that we can once again breathe that free air perfumed with those golden McDonald’s fries every time the door swings open. Oh how I miss it.

Typical school poster in Putin's Russia!
Typical school poster in Putin’s Russia!

Yours Sincerely,

A drunk Russian
(vodka is cheap and keeps me warm)
Gulag Prisoner 1056
Russian Federation


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5 thoughts on “Free me from Putin’s grip!”

  1. Let us(Oz) send Big Ears, a good friend of Golliwog, to free you and all, that you may feast, what I term, garbage-Macca’s!
    We(I)don’t want the silly Pommy half wit in Oz. He makes Poms look totally stupid.
    Trade ya for Vlad? Saved you from his grip. MR.

    PS. And my regards.

  2. Dear Benighted Troll!
    How I wish I could help you out. but in order to profit from the advantages of the West, you will first have to escape the gulag, then swim the Pacific Ocean, and eventually reach the haven of either San Francisco bay, or Puget Sound (Peoples’ Republic of Cascadia) or perhaps a little further north in Canada. Just keep going east, and good luck to you. I will await you on our blessed shores with a nice robe and mittens…. And don’t take too long, as it is cold and windy on the beach.

  3. Very funny.
    Reminds one of an interesting exchange between Putin and Kudrin:
    Kudrin: Your economics are all wrong, Putin. Wages are growing faster than labour productivity… It must be the other way around.
    Putin: Kudrin, you’re a great financier, twice named best finance minister in the world by your international peers. But – forgive me – you’d make a poor social protection minister: increasing wealth for the few, leaving the many in their poverty. ” ( Direct Line with Vladimir Putin. April 25, 2013 –

  4. Over the last year I see more and more simularities between prewar Germany and Russia and the position the UK was in compared to now.
    I suggest you start thinking about where to put your nuclear shelters. Alternatively start learning Russian.

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